“Lacey, do you like eggnog?” What sounded like an innocent question had me in a puddle of tears. I managed to squeak out in between sobs, “I never liked eggnog until I met [my former spouse].” My sister-in-law came over and gave me a hug saying, “This is just what we expected.” Well, I’m glad she expected this reaction because I sure didn’t!
It was five months into my separation and the past two days I’d traveled across the country so I could move in with my brother, his wife and their two kids. Christmas was two days away, and we were making the grocery list for the
holiday meal. Who knew asking if I like eggnog would be a trigger?! By “trigger” I mean something that reminds me of my former spouse. My sister-in-law did not know eggnog per say would trigger me, but she knew I’d have my fair share of meltdowns as I worked through my divorce so that’s why she wasn’t surprised when I had a break down while making a grocery list.
Often the triggers were unexpected. I once tried watching a T.V. show that I’d only watched with my former spouse, and it made me so sad I had to turn the T.V. off. Some triggers ignited bad memories, but more often than not, triggers were not reminders of bad experiences; they were just reminders of my former husband. A lot of the triggers brought sadness with them, especially during that initial year of separation. So, if they were just reminders of my former spouse and not of bad experiences, why did they make me sad? In short, I think it just part of the normal grieving process.
From my experience, the more exposure to the trigger the less painful it becomes. A lot of things that used to trigger sadness don’t make me sad anymore. Sometimes I’ll still have a trigger, but it just triggers the memory and not negative emotions. A good example is my former spouse’s car. Whenever I saw the same make and model of the car he drives, I’d think of him. Initially it made me sad. Then the sadness wore off. I still see cars like his, but I think I’m noticing them less, especially if they’re a different color than what he drove. When you feel a trigger and ensuing emotion accept this as a normal part of healing and recognize it will get less painful with more exposure. The frequency of triggers decreases over time as you’ve allowed yourself to get exposed to different circumstances. While writing this blog I was trying to think of examples of things that triggered me, and I had a hard time coming up with them. I know I had a lot of triggers in those early days, but now I don’t remember a lot of them. To me, that’s a sign I’m healing!
This is the fourth part in a four-part series on gratitude. If you missed it, check out part one about how gratitude draws us closer to God, part two about why I’m thankful I had the experience to be married and part three about why I’m thankful for my divorce.
So many women talk negatively about men after a divorce. (And, many men talk negatively about women after a divorce.) However, I am not bitter at the entire male gender just because my marriage ended in divorce as a result of my former husband’s poor choices. So, to counter all the negative chatter about men from divorced women (and even just women in general), I’ve jotted down three reasons why I’m grateful for men. Here goes!
I am grateful men often bring a different perspective than women. I’ll admit the contrast in gender perspective can often be frustrating. However, there’s also a benefit to these differences. When men and women join together with their varying views, I believe they can come to a better approach to a situation than if they had only relied one perspective. God purposely gave us different strengths so we would have to join together to solve problems.
I’m grateful for men who are respectful and protective of me because I’m a woman. I once had a job where I was the only female employed by the company. I was surprised at how much my male co-workers respected and protected me. They showed this by standing up to people who were rude to me, refraining from using vulgarity around me, looking out for my safety when I was alone at the office and expressing concern for me while I was going through my divorce.
I am an independent and self-sufficient woman which is why I’m surprised when I appreciate people, especially men, doing kind things for me. I’ve come to terms that appreciating acts of service doesn’t mean I’m not capable. It means I’m accepting the love (I use this term generally to encompass family love, romantic love, friendly love, neighborly love, etc.) given to me by my father, brothers, male co-workers, male friends, etc. I often chalk up kind actions to womanly instincts, but really kind actions are Christ-like and anyone, regardless of gender, can be Christ-like. I’m grateful men have taught me that not just women are nice!
Married? Consider keeping a husband gratitude list of all the nice things your spouse does for you. I need to remember this for the next time I get married! Looking for ways to show appreciation for your significant other? Check out 101 ways to show gratitude to your spouse.
This is the third part in a four-part series on gratitude. If you missed it, check out part one about how gratitude draws us closer to God and part two about why I’m thankful I had the experience to be married.
This may sound weird, but I often thank Heavenly Father for my divorce. Here’s why.
I am thankful for my divorce because it gave me a second chance at life. It gave me a chance to re-assess what I’m looking for in a husband and have a new spousal relationship. In the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, “This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.” It’ll
impact your economic situation, how many (if any) children you have, religious beliefs and culture of your family, where you live, risks you’re willing to take, etc. I’m sure you’ve heard someone (maybe even yourself) say something along the lines of, “I wish I could have a do-over.” It truly is one of God’s miracles that I get a do-over.
I’m thankful for my divorce because of who I’ve become as a result of it. Have you ever felt yourself becoming a better person? That’s how I’ve felt since my divorce. It’s kind of a weird thing to describe. I feel myself become a better person as my natural inclinations like casting judgment, impatience and pride fall away and are replaced with love, patience and humility. I really have experienced a change of heart.
I’m thankful for my divorce because it helped me draw closer to God. Have you ever heard that people who go through a traumatic experience together, like get in a plane crash, have a deeper bond? That happened with God and me during my divorce. Frankly, I thought I had a pretty good relationship with God before my divorce. I went to church weekly, read his words (the scriptures) daily and talked to Him in prayer multiple times a day. But, my divorce taught me to rely on the enabling power of the atonement and to turn to God more for counsel and peace. We did have a good relationship before my divorce, but now we have an even better one!
I am thankful for my divorce because I am so much happier now. I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over my head when I was around my former husband. He seemed to get annoyed at my enthusiasm, energy, creativity and zest for life – characteristics that make me who I am! So I stifled those traits when I was around him in an effort not to annoy him. No wonder I felt a cloud over my head – I wasn’t being me! When I left my former spouse, the cloud began to lift and during the latter half of the divorce I realized I was the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life. I experienced what it says in the “Book of Mormon” in Alma 36:20, “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as was exceeding as was my pain.” The pain during my divorce was intense, but the joy I felt later on was just as intense, but in a positive way.
I didn’t wish a divorce upon myself, but in the grand scheme of things I’m thankful it happened.
Along with this recent cold front came a bout of depression. These gusts of sadness seem to toss around like the wind. One minute the depression’s there and the next it’s passed. Just when you hope it’s gone for good another breeze wanders in. It waffles across my mind and with each cloud of sadness I find
myself thinking, “I’m a mess.” The “wind” is picking up because I find myself thinking this multiple times a day for about a week, and … I started to believe myself.
Boom. It hit me – the power of my thoughts. A couple weeks ago I didn’t think I was a mess, but then I started telling myself I was and now I’m taking it for fact. What? Merely because I said so? Well, my stubbornness kicked in. I’m going to nip this negativity in the bud. If it only took me a week to make myself believe I’m a mess, then surely I can tell myself I’m NOT a mess and within a week start believing that!
I grabbed my phone, the keeper of my deepest thoughts when I’m not at home, and started to write:
- I am NOT a mess.
- I have made tremendous progress in my healing thus far.
- Sadness is a normal part of the healing process.
- The sadness I'm feeling now doesn't discount the growth I've made thus far.
- Sadness is not a sign of weakness; even strong people feel sad.
- It’s ok to feel sadness. This won't last forever.
- Just because I'm having a hard time doesn’t mean I'm not progressing.
Positive self talk is not a new concept for me. I’ve learned and practiced it multiple times before in college, my marriage and going through my divorce. For some reason, I briefly forgot to use this skill. I credit God for helping me recognize my negative thinking and blessing me with the motivation and skills to change it.
This is the second in a four-part series on gratitude. If you missed it, check out part one about how gratitude draws us closer to God.
Have you ever gone through an experience that’s hard to describe? Even if you knew every word in the dictionary they’d all seem insufficient to fully portray the depth of the situation. These tend to be experiences with a lot of feelings and emotions behind them. I feel like marriage is this way. No matter how much someone tells you about marriage, you’ll never completely comprehend the ins and outs of the relationship until you’ve experienced it. This is the very reason why I’m thankful I had the experience to be married. Even
though every couple’s marriage is unique, my marriage gave me the ability to understand the highs and lows of marriage. Does this make me a marriage pro? Not any more than it makes a child a pro just because he signed up to be in Little League! Notwithstanding, I’ve got more empathy and elation for those who describe the strikeouts and homeruns in their marriage.
But, being able to relate to married people isn’t the only reason why I’m thankful I had the experience to be married. Here were some awesome perks I appreciated about marriage!
Great in-laws. I feel like not a lot of people can boast about outstanding in-laws, but I can! They were fantastic for so many reasons – they made God a part of their home, they taught their children good values, they embraced me as if I was their own daughter, they were generous in sharing their timeshare and giving gifts, they remembered important dates and they made the effort to build/maintain a relationship even though we didn’t live nearby.
Like everyone, my mother-in-law wasn’t perfect. But, I loved how when she was faced with a situation that was troubling her she’d take the matter to God in prayer so she could be at peace about the situation. It might take awhile, but she’d get to the point of acceptance. I love this example which reminds me I can turn to God for peace and understanding when I don’t agree or comprehend a circumstance. To prevent myself from making this entire blog post about my former in-laws I’ll move on. :)
Companionship. Surely I’m not the only one who’s heard stories of people in their 80s who remarry after a spouse dies. The reason most universally cited? Companionship. I’ll be honest, I just did not understand this. Shouldn’t marriage occur because of love, emotional connection and respect, among other characteristics? Getting married just so you don’t have to be alone doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to get married.
But, when I was going through my divorce and the loneliness crept in, I began to understand. When I no longer had a go-to person to talk to and go do activities with, I realized what a blessing it’d been to have that for six years. I remember as a newlywed thinking, “This is awesome to always have someone to hang out with.” But, I guess I didn’t think of it in terms of companionship at that time. Don’t get me wrong. If you’re under the age of 60, I’m not suggesting you should marry someone solely for companionship. But, companionship is one of the things I appreciated about marriage.
Someone’s got my back. I can look at the glass half empty and dwell on the times my former husband didn’t stand up for me or when he didn’t help me out as much as I wanted. However, I’m going to choose to look at the glass half full – the times when he did look out for me. You know those moments when you realize you’ve just opened your mouth and inserted your foot, maybe even two feet? For the life of me, I can’t think of an example that actually happened, but I’m sure they did! Maybe I’ve selectively blocked those embarrassing moments from my mind! What’s nice about a spouse is he can come to your rescue, “I think what Lacey was trying to say is …” My former spouse would help build my credibility with people by bragging about me, “Lacey’s working on this cool project at work …” I appreciated the times my former spouse did look out for me.
All in all I’m grateful I had the experience to be married. Next up? Why I’m thankful for my divorce.
This is the first in a four-part series on gratitude.
I came to have a greater understanding of the power of gratitude during my divorce. I learned expressing gratitude invites the Holy Spirit. So, when I’d be driving down the road or going throughout my day and feeling a little low I’d say a prayer of gratitude. No matter how bleak my day was, I could always find something to be grateful for whether it was the fact I was able to sleep the
night before or didn’t break down in tears at work. Want to know something awesome? Saying these prayers of gratitude helped me feel closer to God and to feel the peace his Holy Spirit brings.
When I felt closer to the Spirit I felt more receptive to the messages God had to give me. If God knows I’m willing to act on the prompting He gives me, then He’s more likely to give me promptings. Conversely, if he knows I don’t plan to act on his messages, then He won’t give them to me. When I express gratitude it helps me to be more willing to obey God’s commandments and accept His will. Gratitude helps me focus on what I have and not what I lack. It’s one way of giving up my will (asking for what I want) and accepting God’s will (which is what He knows is best).
There have been times I’ve got really fired up about something, and I’d come to God in prayer to whine, complain, vent or tell him exactly why I didn’t appreciate a situation I was facing. I discovered when I stopped and made myself first share with God the things I was grateful for, I wasn’t as fired up as I was at the beginning of my prayer. Expressing gratitude calmed me down. The problem at hand didn’t seem nearly as frustrating. Gratitude helped humble me.
Gratitude invites the Spirit, helps me accept God’s will and humbles me, all of which draw me closer to God.
The next three blogs in this series on gratitude will cover:
- Why I’m thankful I had the experience to be married
- Why I’m thankful for my divorce
- Why I’m thankful for men
